John Daniel Lanza, 9/7/49 – 4/5/18 // & For the first year in a decade

For the first year in a decade, no one blogged here. In 2017. For the entire year.

It’s 2018 now.

Things are already markedly different in my life. My father just passed away. Like just, just. It makes me wonder what I was doing in 2017. What was I so busy doing. Why couldn’t I have taken a few extra weeks here and there and just been with him?

 

But I know the answer to that. My logical mind does, at least. I visited my parents a few times that year. And it is lovely for a few days. And after a few days, we both want to get back into our own routines, do what we are comfortable doing. He had his way of life. I am beating myself up every other moment thinking “Why didn’t I do a ten day juice fast with my Dad? It would have helped his condition so much!” “Why didn’t I spend my saving on building him a steam room?”

He was in his late 60s and still liked eating cheeseburgers. My parents have food at the house with high fructose corn syrup. When he had a mild heart attack a year ago, and I suggested a few things he could be eating, he made fun of me in his sweet way and said “Suzy, if it were up to you, you’d have me drinking yak milk and eating pea shoots all day.” 🙂 not exactly untrue.

 

He knew my favorite health food stores in the area, and could have gone. He knows I would have talked to him all day about soups and herbs and CBD if he wanted to. I only talked to him about them as much as he wanted to listen, though. To be respectful. To be kind? To keep our relationship nice and easy going and non dramatic. And now I wish I did everything different. Of course.

Now I wish I talked to him every single day in 2017.

Now I wish I had known he was probably my favorite person.

Now I can’t talk to him anymore, on this plane of existence.

But I think whatever comes next is easier. I think he can breathe easier now, for the first time in so so so long. Now I *know* he is done suffering. And I can handle suffering on his behalf. For his memory. For all the love he showed me.

He made me the person I am today. There is no doubt about that.

Dad, I don’t know if you ever read this odd little now and again blog, and I don’t know if your astral plane makes you all-knowing or if it has subpar WiFi or what the exact deal is, but if you are able to know this now, if you didn’t before, know that I love you with my whole entire heart. Know that I can’t think of you without crying. Know that you were an amazing father and just such a very, very cool human. I miss you so much. The world is duller already. The world has lost has a shining light.

I hope you and Ryan and Grandma Bea– and *your* dad!– are having such a fun time up there. Over there. Way yonder. Wherever your soul is now. ❤

dad_suzy_lil

I’m so grateful you were my father.  John Daniel Lanza, 9/7/49 – 4/5/18

 

About suzyloves

i am flowers on the side of the road. 'yes' and 'joy' are important to me. i may not re-read what i write, and i never won a spelling bee, but i do hope you enjoy. the world is getting larger, and i fear our 'human-ness' is growing smaller. this is my attempt to connect. i do love you and i do miss you, so this is my hand reaching out so we can all be love <3
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