you smell like a drugstore. this reminds me of my childhood.
fluorescent lights and mindless, important shopping choices.
you likely want to know more, and what does this mean;
but i am not sure any longer how to explain it.
i am sick of my conversations starting with:
‘did we already talk about this’. i am going to look
back at nyc life and remember so many days with nice weather
where i nursed hangovers.
with the blinds pulled.
one day i will stop drinking, for a period of time.
and that will be that will be that.
i dont want to overthink this– it is not so important.
its so self important-
(i read very good poetry the other day and it reminded me i never
try to write anything good. and i could.
and like the story of all things such as these in life,
that is sad to me.
i need to keep reminding myself to try to find the point.)
today. last night. and still.
i listen to jazz on a radio that is really a website,
but who is counting details
i eat a meal i did not cook myself,
and i wonder if it should disturb me that
this is a daily thing.
better than starving, either way.
i find myself with two free hours in a day
and my mind races between filling them with some of the most exciting
things- photoshoots, escapades, daytime parties, and, so on,
or, conversely, just wandering around the city.
hours of vast nothingness.
what do normal people do? when they are not frantic between
the two extremes? sleep or be wide awake.
too much too far too fast, or not moving.
those feel like my only choices. and, they are all i see.
i somehow summoned the energy to do one load of laundry.
but where will i ever find the higher power that allows me to
bring the damp limp load to its completion in the dryer cycle?
i am not sure.
i am having a day where it all reminds me of being five years old.
i was a problematically perfect child princess.
no wonder i am having a tough time competing with that
and living an authentic life, where it is ok to muck it all up,
every now and then.
and by that i mean everyday.
but thats not forever,