have you ever thought to yourself,
“is my life a mess, or just fine”
yeah. i can’t seem to decide this. i find myself talking to myself aloud as i throw something in my house and saying “i hate my life”. a feeling that is always quickly replaced with “oh, whatever”. then finally, “things are fine”. THEN lastly… “if im STILL talking out loud standing in front of the sink in my kitchen, something is wrong.” – this last line might be more a thought. (but, when were alone, is there a a difference if our mind’s chatter is spoken or silent. NO)
but. WHATEVER. instead i slow down and i notice all the trees, and which trees are rooted in my yard, which in the neighbors, and which are so tall and green that wherever they root, i’m unsure. i realize they just root in my view out the kitchen window.
and its wednesday, i have a couple days off work. today i finish my attachment to this tv show, and start a new one monday. later i have to have an “exit interview” with warner bros HR. and it is going to be such a boring assesment of my “time here”.. my likes and dislikes working for this giant timewarner owned conglomerate that supports such a crappy america yet provides me with a dream job.
im leaving for san francisco immediatly after. its like a drug and i need it. the people, the love, the city, and of course, the person!.
im driving from my corporate offices in burbank, ca… out studio gate 7 and onto the 134 and onto the 5. i will be on the long stretch of highway for 5 hours, passing most of california by. getting high, obsessing over the tom yorke solo cd, which lyrics i printed out at work today and somehow imagine myself reading the lyrics while driving rt 5.
i’ll get to san francisco about 10 pm, if all goes well. and hopefully i can have a glass of wine and feel at least satisfied with myself, though i know that my going there is surely a setup for some disappointment. but i’m figuring, what the hell does it matter anymore?
I WANT TO FEEL ALIVE.