and we’reeeee off!

ive been doing a b c d for like 190 days straight it feels…
i get caught in the hamster excerise ball of going going going forward without barely being able to see where, and i cant really stop.
until. i . put my. foot down.
and call it a night in.

had coffee at the strangest little diner on 5ht ave. absolutely weird. and lovely. the foreign waiter kept calling me ‘lady’. sounds so rude; ‘more water, lady?’, but i think it was sort of intended to be nice. or at least codial. ( AND maybe i was the foreigner, considering im in brooklyn) (just rereading, for once, what i wrote a sentence before.)

last night the F train wasnt going to my stop. my stop was 4 stops away, but it was on the other side of the bridge, so unwalkable, so cold last night. had to take trains for basically an hour extra to get home (go back far into manhattan, take some other train back around past contruction, back to where the F was working again.) couldve taken a taxi, but i really dont like to. its almost more trouble than its worth when im alone. (my one very smart friend rode his bike last night, and im sure got home tons earlier than i did). id rather be on a train w drunk 2 a.m. strangers than just me and a cab driver sometimes. the path of least resistance.

SO past two days: saw a 3 hour david lynch movie, new one i asked you about, island empire, which was SO WEIRD and so CRAZY and made me feel like i was going to have an anxiety attack through most of it, thats how hard it was to watch. but it was also hard to take your eyes off of. twisted. nutso. and , well, good, i guess. bc i couldnt tear myself away. there is no way i couldve left in the middle. no matter how badly i wanted to. saw it with a philly friend and guy hes dating. i havent seen him for a good year, and i got to the movie late (typical), so it was funny, after that emotionally exhausting movie to turn to each other and say ‘and how have you been?’
-after the film, drinks.
-after the drinks, home.
-after home, talk to my roomate and a random french musician who is friends w my roommate. after talking to them (french, english, laughing) , i
-talk to my boyfriend even though its late, im tired, and i sort of Hate my Phone. bc hes been insanely busy writing a book, and i welcome any chance i get to talk to him. even if its a 330 i should go to bed now kind of a time.
– then i … shower bc i am too awake now to go to sleep.
-too awake to sleep. i force myslef to sleep.
-alarm at 730. too asleep to wake. i force myslef to wake.
-bed at 430. ahh. wake at 730. not the first time this week.
-sleep on the train. i hate sleeping on the train.
-go to work hungover. i hate working hungover.
i do hard math problems and ease the anxiety of researchers submitting hard proposals all day. i try to answer questions. i am tired. but, somehow, ive found the days at work are almost better when i am so tired that i can only function. not care about whats going on as well. ‘your project was due yesterday? well, all we can do is submit it and hope for the best, right?’ distance. not involved. too sick to my stomach to care. helpful, efficient. thats it. just acceptance of the situations that arose. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT kind of day.

hungover at work, change in the bathroom for a meeting about a potential photoshoot after work. end up in a bizarre situation in a well-to-do wall street couples house in thier fancy hotel apt. this is their ‘side project’;. what?! i leave that situation, eat a solo sushi dinner. change in the bathroom to go to a concert. talk on the phone to a woman who runs a nonprofit that builds infrastructure in africa. im going to work for her. i feel better about my life, its a nice switch tosomething totally different than that couple i met about modeling.

off to a really good concert. gabrial kahane, a friend of my musicians roommates once again, played a glorious set. thats him. he played a whole set of songs that had lyrics composed completely from craigslist postings. one is called neutrotic and lonely , and speaks about a neurotic 20 yr old jewish new yorker guy looking for love. what are his specifications? ‘artistic, genius, gorgesous woman… no Ugg boots! No Long Island!’ ha. all this played to classical-ish music. i was in love with it.
then a band called ‘my brightest diamond played’ who is really good and had their own amazing lyircs about horses and loving in difficult situations and all that good stuff. if you go to gabes page, she is on his top friends.
and then and then and then and then. home? coffee … books all around… tee shirts half cut apart (i hate all my clothing, i want to dismantle it and make it new and better brighter more meaningful to me) coffee… no sleep till….


(and im glad you love california and i love brooklyn and maybe one day i will be out there. when i cant take the weather any longer. but for now we are cosmopolition and in love with life and thats all that MATTERS.)

good job on your fast.
and i will write this weekend about the choices i make and why its ok w me that i cant go to spain just right now. its fine, for me. i prefer this imposed structure, for now. for once. for only now and probably never again, so im ok with it.

L O v E
Y O U !

About suzyloves

i am flowers on the side of the road. 'yes' and 'joy' are important to me. i may not re-read what i write, and i never won a spelling bee, but i do hope you enjoy. the world is getting larger, and i fear our 'human-ness' is growing smaller. this is my attempt to connect. i do love you and i do miss you, so this is my hand reaching out so we can all be love <3
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