The fall has passed. A whole chunk of year, past quickly with work and life and routine and love.
Ivy has just left.
People are older, some are sicker.
I grow and grow to feel more naked in the mirror, as I come face to face with who I am. And what I am.
I have met and done such amazing people and things here in LA.
The show has become the most wonderful thing. Unexpected path of this new place. I came to LA with very mild hopes, knowing of the struggle and competition and unfriendly people. I feel like the greatest thing I’ve learned this year is that having everything is an illusion. When things are perfect, it is to be loved every second. But often, things aren’t all there and never can be.
I’ve been plugging along, regularish hours all week long making this show. This amazing sitcom with amazing people in all directions. It is even already coming to an end, and what happens next is a whole new ball game in my life. Travel? Work? Move?
I want to go to San Francisco, for weeks. And back east and to London. That’s what I want to do this summer. Can I afford it?
Christopher and I have gone in full circle. What the fuck is this person? Who time and again refuses to leave my life. I can’t imagine it without him and I detest all the negative that comes with having him and doing this with him, but for some reason its not nearly as bad as the good that comes from our togetherness. Our laughter, love, intimacy and power over each other. One day they might change sides. But right now, I don’t know anything and am so sick of thinking too hard about it and so my plan is to go with the flow, really do not pressure myself into wanting all kinds of things. I can’t have everything, ever. So if I remember HERE NOW HERE NOW HERE NOW, I might remain calmer.
This morning is the rare early one at “Old Christine”. And I’m on time, as well!
Its 6:31 AM. I slept nicely with some nice dreams about Ivy and I and hitching rides with old friends. Things that make me miss the days, the young and lost days. Before I came to know myself this well.
This office chair, or variety of, is where I have spent all day every day for quite a few months here. With the exception of some short days and of some interesting runs and locations. (One day spent entirely driving to and from the Pacific Palisades). It’s in here that very minute but real dynamics have changed my train of thought. It is in here I have felt loved and hated at the same time from the same people. It is in here that I have loved and very much so hated those near to me. It is in here that I have hid my feelings away and acted more like a “professional” than human. Maybe a first for me in this working world.
Everything else has just panned out as usual. Or I guess?! I got close with a small amount of people at work…those who also like lives of yoga, eating and gossiping. Also drinking, drugs and messyness. Very well rounded. Some have introduced me to an actual kindness within this city where people dressed so well and treated so swanky are actually normal.
I start to feel like an adult more and more. Not in responsibility or boredom or work, but in my DAY. In the moments that go on, these little mini dramas between friends and co workers. These moments with Christopher that have me feeling so aged from all the hard love and hard work we have endured in just 2 years.
He and I are a monster. I know full well the peace and ease that would come from time apart, maybe forever, would do me a world of good. Yet it doesn’t feel right. Not one bit feel right to subtract US from my life. We’re not even together anyway. We’re like two friends that stay in close touch and only visit when possible… long weekends, holidays. And the visits mostly remind us of all the love and passion that can be between two strangers.
But this time I felt something inside of me. I felt a true awareness of my problem. My problem with alcohol became part of that nakedness in front of the mirror. Only grown adults have the pleasure of seeing the wrong inside themselves. At younger ages I felt confused and maybe guilty, now I feel just purely disappointed in some of the things I do and action I take.
ALL OF THIS points to only one big fat problem. And it is mine and I own it and I don’t want to be that guy anymore. I want to have fun without causing pain and embarrassment and laughing it off.
Thing is, I don’t know what the solution to this is right now. I am merely only aware that its time to fix it up. Time to take control of myself and the way I can be. Alone and in crowds.
How? I don’t know. As of NOW- which changes daily- I am going on the master cleanse Friday and sticking too it. No drinking, no smoking, no crappy food. clean this body and mind out. Make my soul and mind fresh and clear and that maybe some answers will be right where I need. SHIT ALL THE BAD OUT.
The runes stones said, TRANSFORMATION… the decisions I make now can affect everything in the rest of my life.
Hopefully 2007 will be a time of transformation. Some responsibility and accountability. Some control and some security with my own feelings and emotions.
I said “Christopher I don’t ever want to feel that way I do when you don’t answer you phone or return my calls.” He said, “then don’t feel that way”
Is he real..? Is it possible to just do that?
I hope this year it is. I have so much flow to follow…. This job, these friends, my health, Pher, San Francisco, my dying father and grandmother… this is all flow and I have much the new desire to go with it.