and ? so its early friday morning. los angeles is a brisk clean cold and i love it. i don’t know how i would feel about your 5th avenue right now, maybe though i would love the smell. the smell tha would make me feel like a kid in ny. the cold pretzel shopping plastic cement people holiday east coast hot dog manhatten smell. I FUCKING LOVE THAT SMELL.
can you all smell it right now?
i’d come and take you away from work and we’d go to see a show, maybe avenue q and we’d go ride the trains for hours in hope to see some interesting sights, maybe some good looking gentleman.
my private email to you suzy was from one of those fits of emotion. i don’t really appreciate them, but its life. you know that thing.. that human aspect. and you KNOW your in it. (think waking life). your either IN it, or it is IN you or its around you or you around it. you and the feelings. the heartfelt, hurtful, wonderful, IM ALIVE feelings.
.. though, i’d really prefer the times im in it or around it. in control. not when its IN ME and ALL OVER ME and BLANKETING me so much that i can’t breathe and i don’t know my name or my address nor care. and again, how dare i claim that the emotion is IN ME.. as if it’s “its” fault… when ME is ONLY my MIND and so i make it all up. BUT why does the mind make things up that we don’t like. is our mind actually that far removed from out own wants and needs. seeming it is.
alas, i am calm now. i had 3, 4 days of blurry everything in me everywhere. u know it? i wrote 10 pages a day somehow.. morning and night. i was FULL to the brim with untrollable thoughts that hurt me deep inside, scared me, polluted me. and every friend and family and lover and book said WAIT. TIME. THIS WILL PASS. but know one IN it can understand that. you think. TIME HEALS? FUCK YOU ASS HOLE TIME DOESNT HEAL SHIT.. and no it doesn’t, not for a little time anyway…. then after the time. the day, the hour, the week. your healed. you think, was i THAT upset, over THIS? was i so unaware that this was all in my head. that it all would pass. that actually and perpetually, i am… OKAY.
the MATTERS don’t matter. what happened doesn’t pertain.
only that i went INTO a place of total awareness and that can be scary. and did it all sober, not my usual way. not emotion and life and love and pain THROUGH the bottle of wine, but without the bottle. and WOW it was a whole new experience. more intense in some ways, way less intense in others.
well things smooth themselves over and out anyway don’t they.
once again i’m thinking- LUCKY ME.
SUZY! out text conversation yesterday regarding your work oddity was love and laugh!
i only still semi understand it. i feel my job is so easy to explain. making me so suvserviant to you and yours. WHAT ARE YOU DOING REVIEWING MEDICAL CASES FOR THE BETTER OF THE WORLD anyway?!?! and is this a non prof because is not the entire medical/research and pharmacutical inductry totally currupt and controlled by america’s finest administration?! i just want some explination.. i don’t like when good friends spend the day doing unheard of things. wait i make more filler television entertainment for 10 million american viewers … aus and uk now too.. OKAYY!
yes, come to california. everyone come.