yes. i am now 32 years of age, currently living in a nice hotel, and i have great views of a great city. i would say this is a success. small or large or in between, a success nonetheless.
i have been living in the W hotel in SF for a week. i wonder if my life can get much stranger. yes yes yes, i know, i deeply do know, that it can. it actually might be time for weirdness beautiful times in a new country soon. i feel like i am pushing the limits here a bit.
i was awake for almost all of the hours on the day of my actual birthday, from the countdown to midnight, to the after hours of the small odd bday party i had at the hotel bar that led to jumping into the pool. after almost 24 hours awake, i slept most of the next day away. one on, one off. shift worker of the present moment.
what will i do with 32? finally start a business? finally cut my hair? finally fall in a different kind of love? finally find a city to be a resident of? or, will i have less of a permanent address than ever? which, i currently do more than ever before.
maybe i will make that huge book of e.e. cummings poems my bible, and go forth each day with a new scripture.
“-tomorrow is our permanent address
and there they’ll scarcely find us(if they do,
we’ll move away still further:into now”
i am living with very few belongings right now, and a lot of options. not a bad way at all to start a new year of life.
i will be kind to myself. I WILL be kind to myself. no matter how hard that is on some morning with the aftermath of the days prior all around me, or some nights when the sparks of my brain will not allow sleep, or some goddamn bright sunny afternoons when the sunshine doesnt know you want to weep.
this will let me be kinder to others, but ive got that one pretty much down, with the exception of some few and far between people on sparse calendar days. maybe the universe will try to test me in 32 though. lets see what awaits. lets see if i will need to consult with monks. (btw, monks are finding me. once a week the past two weeks. they initiated conversation. i like the trend of MONKS IN MY LIFE.)
i will embrace challenges, and know that i CAN START, even when its scary to begin. i can fail, in front of everyone or just in front of myself and right dead center in that big spotlight i like to point at my mistakes, and still, life will go on.
i will surround myself with people i love, with people who care, with people who inspire my soul, with openness to those i havent already allowed deep into my quirky molten middle. we will all save each other day by day, really. i am not an island, no matter how good the music in my headphones may be.
i will look at the hard parts. i will cherish the good parts. i will make funny mantras and hang them on my walls, even when those walls are expensive hotel rooms. i will read more books. i will meander on facebook less. i will meander in the dark hallways of my brain less. i will make mistakes then turn the corner. none of this may happen, but as long as there is some I WILL and some DOING and WALKING TOWARDS what i want need desire, that is a start. maybe it IS ALL. at the least, IT IS.