suzy, fainting. suzy, retreating…
ak. so.
i FUCKING fainted getting off the subway on the way to work yesterday. worst.day.ever. is not even putting it in words.
it was so scary, and i felt so vulnerable, and now i am semi-scared to take the subway/leave my apartment by myself/ do normal things. boohoo.
that was yesterday. i went to the doctor. he said i am overstressed, obv. not sleeping enough, or relaxing enough, or resting myself. and he thinks i may be anemic. which i have been through before with doctors. but still, he wants to check. blood tests today, more soon./… a series of doctors appointments were scheduled. lets see. i feel like if i found out i had something horrible wrong with me that would kick start me to start doing a million more things with my life. how bad is that! why couldnt i do them without finding out my life had a sooner expiry date! dont we all know our time is limited …
alas.
another wedding this weekend, for a high school friend. and then alex, maybe your mother’s backyard, or, maybe passing out on the beach, depending on how i feel.
i am vowing to take things so easy for the next few weeks. i am going to paint some pictures.
love, to myself. and love, to ya’ll<3
“i feel like if i found out i had something horrible wrong with me that would kick start me to start doing a million more things with my life. how bad is that! why couldnt i do them without finding out my life had a sooner expiry date! dont we all know our time is limited”
Don’t wait to find this out; that would only take a moment. So much of life passes on while one is waiting to begin it; there is too much of a risk that the chance of a kick start may never come…and one just falls over dead without it. It’s sort of like waiting for morning coffee and not getting it and then just slumping over at one’s desk never to rise again. (Okay, it’s not really like that but I’m trying to make an analogy for you in NYC and that seems as apt as anything!)