now from the floor….

suzy, im in that – cleaning/moving/thinking mode, in my new room, so im supposed to be setting my life up, but hours later im still sitting in the middle of the room on the floor “reading” all these cards, and papers, and notes, and journals, and lifes, that i pulled from a packet in my “new closet”. “what is all this again”? i asked. thinking ‘this is what i’m supposed to do, open this up each and every time i move from one place to another’

well anyway, what struck me- and now im writing it to you- SUZY- is that ONE page of one small little notebook/to-do-list like pad i found from a couple years back, right after college, well, i wanted to share it with you all.

so.. verbatim: as on the page below:

MOVING FORWARD
WORK
-modeling: spend the $ > susan
– get to ’stars’ asap
-temp
-2 temp agencies for summer
– catering
-emailed
– acrobat
-theatre
– start research
– contact
-fax resume
LIFE
- meditaion classes > buddhist center, san francisco
- cancel dui papers, lawyer
- understanding now

—–
end

back to now..
amazing, no?
so i suppose i sat at the same desk a couple years ago and thought and wrote…
that i needs to get a job, an agency, a caterer,… ALL
and i was looking into theater????? what?
.. buddhism, finish my dui court case… HAHHA SEE the LAWYER… how adult!
oh yeah, and “understand now”… what an ending.

“a sigh from my new chair”

(first, i wondered this: i list this blog link in the shitass myspace page i have and i wonder how many readers click to come to ANDWELOVE but assume IM doing all the writing ?)

i never get the evian water, for the lame reason that it is a name associated with upperclass and i don’t want to be associated…. isn’t it weird that WE DON’T want to associate or represent america’s upper class?

sorry about the phone. i have such a love/hate. i text a lot though. well, i guess not like most people.. but sometimes i see that while im talking to someone i am reading or writing a text message, as if unnoticed that im multi-tasking – - -
THEN a nytimes article talked about the scientific proof that shows multi tasking leads to more mistake and human error. cell phones and driving?

SUZANNE!. I AM A BAD FATHER, for i allowed my small fluffy friend to cinge his tail fluff in my vanilla candle last night. me, oblivious. “WHATS THAT SMELL?” I kept repeated aloud to myself. (again, i talk aloud a lot. i think its to a cat, then i realize it happens in the car too…. i think i talk to EVERYONE when i am doing this)

one of my roomates has left for good and so i have moved into her room. double in size for only a couple bones more. so i have a NEW LIFE.
*have you ever switched rooms in the same house? it is like moving, , (a little)
I LOVE IT.
and MY NEW CHAIR
and the BATHROOM IS CLOSER
BUT THE KITCHEN IS FURTHER
the VIEW IS BETTER
BUT THE KITCHEN IS FURTHER

this is all.
OH EXCEPT I BOOKED THE TICKET so i don’t like you “last minute” BUUUUULLLshitttt
you CAN book it. you say to your superiors: SORRY I HAVE A PREVIOUS COMMITMENT ON THESE DATES. it sounds dignified… like you are a good person becomes you keep your commitments.

THEN you buy the ticket.

(OH HEY in the middle of writing i just got the insane urge for a cookie and i just stood up and got one, but i’m back now. i didn’t even notice i was gone)

so yeah…
LAX-HEATHROW may 16. 5 pm. LONDON@NOON17th
then visits to spain, philly, and bangor and south carolina.
THEN NEWYORKBROOKLYN june 10thish.

..

see you THEN.

alright. good evening to you and your world,
xo

evian water

makes me feel sick , everytime i am stupid enough to buy it.
isnt that funny?

i left my nalgene at my last work when i quit suddenly and havent been back there since. never will be, im pretty sure. so every so often in the city i need to buy the biggest water i can, because i havent replaced my nalgene, and i realise i dont drink enough some days.

and every so often evian is the first i see and i grab it. and it always leaves a weird taste in my mouth and makes me feel rather unwell. i just figured out it was the WATEr doing it. i never would have guessed! im not buying it ever again! actually, i am so against buying water, but have been doing so out of lazyness. so i am buying a nalgene in the next few days.

wow- exciting story.

i thought of something i wanted to write today on the subway:

We are bring Our Dog on the Bus to the Beach.
And you cannot tell us otherwise.

——
alex, how have i still not talked to you on the phone? tonight is maddness once again… maybe tomorrow will be calmer?? ?? ?? ??? ?? ?? ?? hows is all going on for you??

s—-

have you ever thought to yourself,
“is my life a mess, or just fine”

yeah. i can’t seem to decide this. i find myself talking to myself aloud as i throw something in my house and saying “i hate my life”. a feeling that is always quickly replaced with “oh, whatever”. then finally, “things are fine”. THEN lastly… “if im STILL talking out loud standing in front of the sink in my kitchen, something is wrong.” – this last line might be more a thought. (but, when were alone, is there a a difference if our mind’s chatter is spoken or silent. NO)

but. WHATEVER. instead i slow down and i notice all the trees, and which trees are rooted in my yard, which in the neighbors, and which are so tall and green that wherever they root, i’m unsure. i realize they just root in my view out the kitchen window.

and its wednesday, i have a couple days off work. today i finish my attachment to this tv show, and start a new one monday. later i have to have an “exit interview” with warner bros HR. and it is going to be such a boring assesment of my “time here”.. my likes and dislikes working for this giant timewarner owned conglomerate that supports such a crappy america yet provides me with a dream job.

im leaving for san francisco immediatly after. its like a drug and i need it. the people, the love, the city, and of course, the person!.

im driving from my corporate offices in burbank, ca… out studio gate 7 and onto the 134 and onto the 5. i will be on the long stretch of highway for 5 hours, passing most of california by. getting high, obsessing over the tom yorke solo cd, which lyrics i printed out at work today and somehow imagine myself reading the lyrics while driving rt 5.

i’ll get to san francisco about 10 pm, if all goes well. and hopefully i can have a glass of wine and feel at least satisfied with myself, though i know that my going there is surely a setup for some disappointment. but i’m figuring, what the hell does it matter anymore?

I WANT TO FEEL ALIVE.

that would be nice…

…considering i dont respond to my cell phone the way i should anyway. (i leave it ringing its head off in my coat pocket, only grabbing it now and then to check time, or text ‘what train goes to greenpoint?)

ALEX!! i will call you soon soon. love that you love your job. makes me feel better, that some people do. IM PRETTY sure this one will be the same for me. the schedule!! ahh i swoon just thinking about it.

heres something for tuesday:
The Invitation by Oriah

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

wouldn’t it be nice?

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
– Mitch Hedberg

SUZZY!!!!! I just got your voice mail. and YEAH! good job, the new job.. and great job, the flixable schedule meets london.

Im leaving may 16 PM flight… so in London Thur the 17th at 8am. WOOOHOO.
Im spending a week in london. then 5 or some days in Spain, I think that park alone.

Stay in london at least over the weekend. it will be JONJON’s birthday when we’re there. amazing.

thats all. welcome to monday.
im blessed that my job is good. fun, happy, enjoyable, ….. cause i spent the weekend utterly depressed and in bed and drinking and smoking and perhaps worse. but can’t detail that here, too many people will try to intervene….

i get like that, too [hi alex] :)

i get pace-y in the mornings.
im actually doing it right now.
it used ot happen in college a lot when life was full of free time.
i would wake up, and say ‘i have the whole day ahead of me. i have so many hours with nothing to do ! i want to do so much. i want to make a little piece of art and i want yoga and to read, and oh, ill catch up on the news online or on the radio, and i will do this and that and this and that….’
and i end up doing like half of one thing.
im in that right now.
at night, it is easier for me to accept, ‘ok , im not going to do everything. just this one thing. like read, or watch a film , or write something short.’ but in the morning, i have so much energy and it just bounces all over!!

my roomate left his loud loud alarm clock on. thank god its set to classical music. at least. beeping would force me to leave.

im going to use my morning energy this morning to do laundry, which for some reason is the most difficult thing for me to get myself to do! but i have a photoshoot tonight, and completely not one pair of underware. at all.

its hard sometimes in my (hi suzy)

simple day to calm down/come down/unwind. whatever.
does anyone,,,, everyone experience this.
so worked up on all and all and then its time, im spent, 12 hours or whatever later, i’m thinking… i’ve been pacing my own house for hours now after pacing work all day. pacing and pacing. starting something, and finishing something else and a different room.
(of my house and mind)

all of a sudden, its like the house did it to me.
i was going in circles as the sun goes down. the light coming from the windows turns
from yellow to orange to blue to dark. dark.
my circles are slowing, still gray.
(its these time changes. its just a fuck up for all)
before i could breathe. john coltrane was playing so soothingly all over the house.
a glass had been poured for me. and im cross legged with book and wine (and this quick note to you, direct from my large brown couch).
and it was night

some adjustments ot the lighting. (well it is night now)
and turn the music up.

and serene.

and sigh.

and .

and. here i am.. .

how nice.

i can cool down now, and relax.

this always happens right around the time you think all the plans you had this eve but that certain time somehow comes around; you realize: none of those things are going to happen now, i’m just where i am for the night. and your everythign BUT NOT GLAD.

and the calm brings a smile.

i’m headed down,,,,

YEAH! HAPPY TIME CHANGE! happy sunlight, warmth and spring and life.

HAPPY!

its the evening here in los angeles. on a sunday. feels like noon. or 4 or something
finished the sunday times sitting at the downbeat cafe, alvarado and sunset.
i enjoyed a black coffee on this hot day.
the hottest of the year, it reached 95 degrees earlier today./

is that number impossible for thou to know today? its no 50!

i keep singing to myself this song, that i posted below. about the life i want and dream about in the Big Rock Candy Mountain. will you move there with me?

keyboard still////slashing, but not as bad.

what date to you think of leaving for england?
it would be nice, wouldn’t it, if you and me and leah and jill, and anyone else… could all fly out that saturday the 16th. i can stay in ny friday night and we can all split the cost of a cab to newark in the am. return ticket whenever you like. but its hard to get seats together? should we coordinate with an agent?

sometimes i wish i had an assistant. just one. a cute gay one.

Big Rock Candy Mountain

One evening as the sun went down and the jungle fire was burning
Down the track came a hobo hiking and he said boys I’m not turning
I’m headin for a land that’s far away beside the crystal fountains
So come with me we’ll go and see the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains there’s a land that’s fair and bright
Where the handouts grow on bushes and you sleep out every night
Where the boxcars are all empty and the sun shines every day
On the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees
Where the lemonade springs where the bluebird sings
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains all the cops have wooden legs
And the bulldogs all have rubber teeth and the hens lay soft boiled eggs
The farmer’s trees are full of fruit and the barns are full of hay
Oh, I’m bound to go where there ain’t no snow
Where the rain don’t fall and the wind don’t blow
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains you never change your socks
And the little streams of alcohol come a-trickling down the rocks
The brakemen have to tip their hats and the railroad bulls are blind
There’s a lake of stew and of whiskey too
You can paddle all around ‘em in a big canoe
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains the jails are made of tin
And you can walk right out again as soon as you are in
There ain’t no short handled shovels, no axes saws or picks
I’m a goin to stay where you sleep all day
Where they hung the jerk that invented work
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

I’ll see you all this coming fall in the Big Rock Candy Mountains

alexander. xanderalex

i like your lake story,
but,
hey!,
you arent supposed to care about time!!
i tell people like once a week how you dont even set your clocks to the right time!!

but i guess if it were for the sake of a date and maybe love, then thats the best reason to care
but still!!

50 degrees here for today and the next 3 days!!
getting ready for coney island shoot. still not sure what to wear.
but i will let you know. bc i know how much you care. (ha.)

actually…

you should just read all this. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bohemianism

dear suzy, all – FINALLY

i am here for a moment to speak … talk.. dream.. tell

“a meeting to talk about saving africa, then to a party at a bar”

WHAT A DAY, YOU!

i’m just home from a walk around the nearest little park/lake . echo lake park.
and im telling myself- see, i don’t need to procrastinate getting on ANDWELOVE til a time that i can “catch up” – it’s not a contest to write close to as much as suzy does – its OKAY to just sit and pour out for as long as i can stand.

SO, that’s why i am here.

when i went on my walk just now i did this thing i have a habit of doing, not bring a phone or watch because i wanna escape, but instantly getting anxious of the time. worried that i can’t walk the circumfrence of the lake in time to make it home to get ready to go ona date. first person who walked by who seemed surely would speak english (not that i couldn’t ask for the time in spanish, but i wasn’t in that mood, eh), “hey do you have the time” “almost 6″ “thanks (already walking off) so much, enjoy”

then… to myself “ALMOST 6. shit what did she mean by that, 5:58…. 20 of? anyway i figured, i can walk this whole lake and home in an hour. shower change and be flirting by 8. i get home, after walking a great evening walk in los angeles. time: 6:29.

i guess i walked fast.

suzy, even though southern california is always warm..warmish… it still (maybe off the nearest geographical energy) changes and gets wonderful when the spring is here. march. the colest and most stressful holiday and everything else garbage is past. soon the clocks change and there will be love.

OF COURSE its a good thing that you are doing whatever you can and still accidentally just being a……….

The term Bohemian was used in the nineteenth century to describe the non-traditional lifestyles of marginalized and impoverished artists, writers, musicians, and actors in major European cities. The bohemian lifestyle is often associated with cafés, coffeehouses, drug use (particularly opium, the “dark idol”), alcoholism, and absinthe (the “green fairy”). Bohemians were associated with unorthodox or antiestablishment political or social viewpoints, which were expressed through extramarital sexual relations and voluntary poverty.

(the small paradox in all this is the poverty. we both live/have lived in such affluent and expensive cities at the height of a real estate bubble and work mostly free lance and entry level… and get by. now how is that? i mean i know it is complicated.. but thats the thing… we are complicated, while a many are simply just poor. or rich.)

i guess were just young.
were NOTHING.

what a week!

if i only had the words to write about it all!
alex – it was good talking to you. i like that you said im living like a bohemiem and you made that sound like the best and most natural thing ever : )
i am interviewing, ahh again again again with the aspen institute. did over the summer, wasnt fully quailified but i liked the guy i met with a lot, and i just emailed to see ‘are there openings?’, and he said, yes, one that might be good for me…

told some other job i didnt want it,
joined a crazy modeling networking site, model mayhem (the model verison of myspace), and have gigs lined up LIKE CRAZY bc of that.
shooting at coney island this sunday with someone!
excited about that; disney bought it, and they are tearing most of it down, you know…
so thats very sad, but at least i will have cool images. i cant decide what to wear. shoot me an email , comment here (yeah right, you people dont do that!) , or CALL ME!! to let me know what you think i should wear if you have an idea.

i will be trying to make part of sat ‘calling people’ time. there are so many friends i dont get to talk to!!but who knows that will go. just call me if you want to talk!
its dennis’s birthday this weekend. he knows im broke, he said dont get him anything, he doesnt like his birthday anyway… but im making him lots of stuff! and buying stuff too.
thats what im doing today !
im between a meeting to try to help save africa. and meeting a photographer for coffee. and meeting another photographer for coffee. (you would be amazed at the amount of ‘meeting’ coffee i drink these days!) and then a party at a bar! and then home with my favorite boy in the world who i never get to see bc he is writing a book! and then its deep in the heart of the weekend!! have a great one !! !! !!

modeling for this huge event in a few weeks:

Get ready for two days of making art, live music and more art. This March 23-24, Michael Alan and Matt Brennan are putting on an intense two day alternative figure drawing/music festival in an unbelievable 5,000 sq. ft. loft space in DUMBO Brooklyn. There will be something for everyone including:
* 20 hours of theatrical figure drawing with 25 nude and costumed art models holding dynamic gesture, short and long poses (4hour) throughout the event. 4-6 models in each pose. The DRAW-A-THON THEATER has been around since November 2005. Starting at Fix Cafe in Williamsburg, the event drew over 150 artists and was an instant success. The Draw-A-Thon Theater expanded throughout New York, taking place monthly in both Brooklyn and Manhattan. Since the first event, all ages and skill levels have attended and formed a powerful creative community.

* Collaborative projects and activities by Brooklyn Art Collective and Artworld Digest Magazine.

* Disfiguration Art Show featuring work by Michael Alan, Matt Brennan, Tim Maxwell, Barnaby Ruhe, Jenn DeWald and Will Suarez.

* Live music from 8 unbelievable bands including: the Hungry Marching Band, the Krays, Rocket Surgery, the Bones of Davey Jones, Naked Boys Making Noise, BonBomb, Biz and the Rolling Stallones and DJ Junglez.

* Full bar and food available by Retreat with an after party to follow at Retreat Saturday night 12am – 3am.

* Live silk screening by Ad Hoc Gallery.

* Amazing giveaways from our sponsors: Blick Art Supply, Crumpler Bags, MetroInk and P.S. Bookshop.

Presented by Michael Alan, Matt Brennan, Retreat, Brooklyn Art Collective, Diana Gurfel, ArtWorld Digest, and Eliza Stein. Sponsored by Retreat, Gallery Twenty-Four, Crumpler, Odds Costume, Dumbo Arts Council, Metro Ink, Blick Art Supply, Ad Hoc Gallery, P.S Bookshop, Jonathan Shorr Gallery, Soho Picture Frames, Junglez.com, and Frame Works Dumbo N.Y

When: Friday March 23, 7pm – 3am
Saturday March 24, 3pm – 12am

Where: 147 Front Street, 2nd Floor, DUMBO Brooklyn

Directions: F train to York Street.
Walk one block down Jay Street towards the water to Front and Jay Street.

Cost: $20 for a One Day Pass and $25 for a Two Day Pass.
Buy your ticket online to guarantee admission.
All payments are processed though PayPal.

and i told the guy i was excited to be a part of it. and he wrote back ‘It will be fun
and glorious’.

yes. thats what it sounds like!! awesome! come if you are ny-based! it will be big and fun.
or, yes, fun and glorious!

i love this lyric:

from a music review for the new young knives album:
“Yes, they are equally at home harmonizing their way through measured comedown melodies as they are snarling ‘Who are these people?/They are too stupid to be your real parents!’

haha.