last sentence = why the hell cant we find a president or any important figure in our country who will stand by such beautiful, potent sentiments?

last week in the nytimes mag…

there was an art. written by a sudanese refugee now living in america. he told his story of being drugged up and taught to murder so viciously.

this was a letter to the ed. back in this weeks nytimes. i love it:

WHEN MY DAUGHTER WAS 10 YEARS OLD, SHE USED TO PUT BOOKS THAT FRIGHTENED HER IN THE LINEN CLOSET, UNDER A PILE OF SHEETS. I WISH IT WERE POSSIBLE FOR ME, AS AN ADULT, TO RID MYSELF AS EASILY OF THE IMAGES IN ISHMAEL BEAH’S ARTICLE. THE DEHUMANIZING EMBODIED IN THE PROCESS OF TURNING A CHILD INTO A KILLER WAS MORE THAN I COULD BEAR.
THOSE OF US WHO HAVE THE GOOD FORTUNE TO LIVE LIVES REALATIVELY FREE OF THE EXPERIENCE OF BRUTAL CRUELTY WOULD DO WELL TO PRACTICE MINDFUL LIVNG AND KINDNESS TO OTHERS AT EVERY OPPURTUNITY, IF ONLY TO NEUTRALIZE THE POISONS OF MAN’S INHUMANITY TO MAN. (ELCA BRANMAN SARASOTA, FL)

all applaud THE GIRL WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS

oh SUZANNE: I’m so glad to know you. I’m so always glad to know that people have testicles and balls in the same box. DO IT. DO ANY OF IT OR NONE OF IT. just do what you want/have (what’t the diff) to DO DO DO DO DO (not) DO.

long story short, i’m glad you quit. you got yourself to NY and no you can just be IN ny regardless of what you do. do anything. model, travel. be you and tell everyone about it.

i even get a small inner twinkle when i face the reality that my work, and maybe all my work in this city is fleeting. that even though i got hired to assist on a a successful, big budg, netword television show. that STILL, still, each season comes to an end. production slows and then stops and then quickly wraps up the show, packing boxes and storing files away into nothing. vacate. vacation. all this with unknowing of what’s next. mar 7, i become free. free to take a week off and read, sleep, go out everynight and fuck up. whatever. and then, of course, if i want money, fun, life, success, spain, england.. then i find NEW NEW WORK. new, different. change. nights? cafe? movie? office? whataver the planetman (!!) has in store for me.

(can we have such thing as a planetman… a big handsome model like hunk that is basically like the “god” image, but rather than old white bearded man, he is very sexy and wears calvin klein underwear and is hung and dark and wonderful. this is MY planetman and he controls the universe and makes me happy)

i’m home this tuesday. me, the cat and the dog on the couch. me attempting to start//finish reading a whole pile of magazines and half read books. natalie merchant live plays and i enjoy wine and weed and veggie stew.

i could die in my sleep.

call again. more. always.
so ??????’s . what is going to happen the next few weeks?
whats africa about?
how did you quit/leave the med people so quickly… u must have walkedout in addition to quit.

I LOVE QUITING.

im dizzy. its good.

are those the lyrics when you google them, alex?

alex my alex my reason for writing when i have no feelings really, but when i always feel better after writing anyway.
im in the tea lounge, in that same corner up front where you me leah ivy sat. im in the grandmother rocking chair.

i love that song. i live that song sometimes.

i just called you.
ive no more job. im elated and ok w rent for awhile and maybe going to waitress and i just applied to a bunch of paid modeling things (so weird, i know), and a few freelance grantwriting things.

so- again- new me. probably better, more balance. more fun. i think im going to africa in july. you can and should come. the woman running the org is the new love of my life. i went to her house for a ‘work’ meeting and she cooked an african dish of kingfish and spinach combined with all these spices, ginger garlic anise all mushed up, all so good! and we drank two bottles of wine and we talked about how old of souls we are. how i can talk to her about things i cant talk to my own family about. and how she is only 31 and i feel like she has all the knowledge of the world, and the solutions to many of its problems, within her.

how was nevada?
come come to africa.

Aaaaaahhhhhh…
Because the world is round it turns me on
Because the world is round…aaaaaahhhhhh

Because the wind is high it blows my mind
Because the wind is high…aaaaaaaahhhh

Love is all, love is new
Love is all, love is you

Because the sky is blue, it makes me cry
Because the sky is blue…aaaaaaaahhhh

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh…
Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh…
Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh…

i am quitting

gawd! i am way too whimsical. and maybe a little bit too obsessed with being happy (if there is such a thing as TOO MUCH for that).

this isnt for me. i feel like ive been through it all:

hard hard hard emotionally draining social-work-y work

too much pressure from super rich people work

and now, simply too much paperwork and too many numbers. i dont feel enough of a connection. ive known it for awhile, but it really came out this week.

maybe i will get my dream come true of working as a freelance grantwriter- model for fun projects- waitress- editor.

yay yay yay yay.

moving and quitting and loving all the way.

updates, again, loom. nearby.

oh, click on the picture

and i think it comes up.

that was really helpful. that was medicinal for me.

have fun in nevada, i wish i could what a miracle be there with you

take a chance,

- your picture didnt come through

- why can’t he think the girls in ny are pretty, aren’t they?
(sorry about it, can’t speak much for women but the stereotype of a man is all so true- sex is the basic instinct. sex with the better looking, as to carry on the perfect race. all so sick, yet all so WHAT IT IS. let him look. he goes to bed with you at night?)
(also. not that anyone is cheating, but the story will pertain. when a lover has a passionate moment with someone other than you it must be foregiven and accepted. this is nature. when a lover “falls” for someone else, this is the pain that can not be accepted.)

let passion exist. to love someone that does not have passion and lust and love of beauty, is to love someone that is dead.

its thursday. ive had a good week coming off the cleanse. im off to NV for the weekend to see dad and step mom and my home of mountain villiage i hope to someday return. will not miss la, except it is near 20 degrees in virginia city. blah. lake tahoe. AHH!! wine.

new thing- with a photographer- for a yearlong project!

gosh im so crazy. but its so fun.

-im going to be working w a photographer for a year, or more, to document my life. candid pictures. ugly pictures. real pictures. anti-glamor.

hes nice. hes good at his art. im excited. this is the first. of…. 900? but dont worry; i wont post em all!

alex! i need help from a male!

have we been through this a millionnnnn times before ??

you are the perfect person to ask, you can understand it from both sides.

i dont want my boyfriend to think all these woman in nyc are pretty. how do i get over that? do i just not care- just recognize that liking for a second like that is so different than
LOVING someone. like really loving???

i dont want to end uo being a burden or boring to him. like- id rather be a mistress to him than a wife. you know??? what to do!!!!!!!!!!!

ahh

somedays i dont care. and some days it drives me crazy.

besides that, all is great.

california trip is in the works!!

i love you much(most beautiful darling) 
i love you much(most beautiful darling)  more than anyone on the earth and i like you better than everything in the sky  -sunlight and singing welcome your coming  although winter may be everywhere with such a silence and such a darkness noone can quite begin to guess  (except my life)the true time of year-  and if what calls itself a world should have the luck to hear such singing(or glimpse such sunlight as will leap higher than high through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each  nearness)everyone certainly would(my most beautiful darling)believe in nothing but love
 (- ee cummings)
 

: )

” I have lived with many Zen masters- all of them cats.”

-The Power of Now

alex, i never finished reading that book. i am now. on frantic subway systems and while in chaotic coffeeshops. its I R O N I C

chile sunday as well, , ,

suzanne. first, thank you for the truth and life and explination of YOU and your DOING. i don’t know why you mentioned that you OWE it to me, as you never owe me any explination of your doings. nor do i. and you know why, we are doing the exact exact same thing, suzzy. just, well, differently.

i love the photos. i did see them. for some reason, computer screens give them no justice. i want to see it large and flat on a wall, or on a book cover, or magazine ad, even. so for some reason, i can not appreciate them as much as i know i should. because they are on this little monitor and i feel only nearly as if i am there, on the street staring back at you, but the computer makes you just far away enough to make it not real. (wait, is that art?) ah, shit.

is everyone over there aware that la/socal is hitting record cold temps this winter? aware that it snowed .5 inch on MALIBU last week. that people everywhere are freaking out. and meanwhile, the northeast can’t scrounge more than flurries. OH AL GORE, FIX IT.

either way, i feel achy and cold and chilled. im sipping peppermint tea. its sunday and i worked outseide all day holding the boom mic for a friend making a silly comedy short film. involved playground bathrooms and lots of potatoe salad. and free lunch that i couldn’t eat.

today is the “would be” day 10 and last of the fast, however, my body seems to deeply be telling me that i am ready to unwind this treck. and that monday morning/tomorrow at work, i choose not to suffer any more of being “that guy”… with the strange eating disorder.

last night i started what would usually be today, the drinking of pure fresh juices.. orange and gfruit. today the same, with a fruit salad around lunch time. and now i am in the kitchen, music playing and enjoying my favorite life love, COOKING. i am simmering a soup of basic veggies (carrot, cel, onion, garlic) and some spices and salt. all pure, organic. im hanging on the stool in the kitchen so i can smell the veggies the next couple of hours, as them emit thier wonderful flavor and nutrients into the water that later will be my first “meal” in 10 days.

so, i cheated a wee. cut it just a wee short. but body says its okey. sniffles and sneezes tell me i am in need of garlic and love.

would you like to see

some crazyness/
im not sure if you saw this part of the series.

so here it is for world. and the whole wide entire
(you).

i just baked break.
oatmeal honey wheat.

freezing cold sunday brooklyn morning…

…awake at 6am bc my boyfriend has been staying up all nights long to write a book.
i go to queens at 8 am to go to sleep with him.
at 7, though, on my way to the train, i look around. no one has left their apartments in park slope this blustery frosty morning, except for bagels. and maybe coffee.

ahh the brooklyn life.

alex, its been snowing a bit here and there. as much as you dont miss that, i bet you miss that just a wee bit.

congrats congrats on the detox fast friend! (you are sooo LA!)

so alex / ive owed you this

/explation for a year or so now!

i moved to ct, where i really had no interest in moving, for a good job. and now i moved here, which i had a great interest in moving to, but not a big love for the job i took. why would a person like me, who wants to love each choice she makes, be making these sub-par choices?

BECAUSE I REALLY AND TRULY WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD FOR THE BETTER.
and slowly but surely through these choices i think i am getting there.

after this very 9-5, uber-office job, i will have enough credentials to freelance, have a flexible schedule, work for a major NGO that is making a big differance, and still run off to barcelona or LA whenever it strikes me.

i am paying small dues.
and im living in one of the greatest cities that has ever existed.
so, all in all, its not that bad.
i can still hear awesome jazz music at the union square subway stop on my way home from work, and go to really good parties all weekend long if i want to.
and in a way, the weekends are so much more beautiful and taste and look and smell and feel so much better to me bc of my stressful, constraining J-O-B i go to all week.
ive never had that ‘its friday, lets go to happy hour and stay drunk and have fun every second until monday’ type of feeling before.

i sort of am into it.
granted, i like drinking on tuesday afternoons, too, which cant often do right now., but the live it up on the weekend thing is kind of a nice release.

xoxoxoxoxo (london london london! im glad the emails are circulating!)
(and lucies in india! holy jeeze! im going to meet up w her in boston when she returns to see pictures and hear about how i HAVE to go there- SO THAT I GO THERE soon.)