hey alex

im going to see you tonight!

yippee

MERRY!!!

i hope everyone had a nice holiday with at least one of the following:

a) family they love to be around

b) friends they love to be around

c) cool present of any sort, even if it was a chat with someone from category a or b over some mulled wine or something

 d) appreciation

e) good food!

f) rest

ok. so i am at my parents house and i am trying to figure out ‘what do i need from here in my nyc apt?’, and the answer is soooo obviously NOTHING, bc my nyc apt is SMALL and i have EVERYTHING i could need, EVER, and even then SOME.

but looking i am. old journals? raw food cookbooks? or maybe some of these things: (just kidding; these things will promptly be removed from the box in my closet and thrown out with the xmas trash.)

a record made by some guys from a nieghboring town who i thought were so cool bc they were in a ‘punk rock band’.  highlights included a track entitled ‘He Died on the Lawn (of Cake and Heroin)’ with the lyrical wonder lines of “I’ll hang up and call you right back again/Can you drive me to the bar?/ It’s only 2.2 miles from here/ …. / I’m not afraid (x47). “

or maybe i should bring the business cards my friends and i all traded from the jobs we landed out of college. waitt….. no one is still at any of those jobs…

OR theres always that litery journal from Temple where i published a poem. (which may rightfully be called ;the worst thing i have ever, ever!, typed in my life. very cringeworthy)

runner-up options: -shoebox upon shoebox of photos from jr high, high school, college, and some post college. quite a few are drunken, unrememorable nights. almost all feature an ugly outfit/ person i think id rather forget/ red eyes. or people i have actually forgotten.

-exboyfriend’s music/ art/ letters/ cards/ notes/ gifts/ etc

-books by james joyce and thomas pynchon i think i will suddenly, one day, be smart enough to understand

-cd cases!!! (i wish i didnt care about the enviroment and could just add to landfills like all the proper americans do!)

-and this tops it all: omg i found a package of two glowsticks!!!!!!! i am soo surprised no one from my age group has developed a weird dieases from swallowing one of those. no, from even having putting them in their mouths!!!

goodnight. happy holidays, lovelys.

alex what state are you in?

remember in the crooked frame when you didnt want to play this song bc matt had just found out his brother was gay, and he and i came to open the shop with you? i remember what he was wearing. but i cant remember how to do this important work thingi just learned yesterday. brains dont make sense! onto our song:

I was surprised, I was happy for a day in 1975
I was puzzled by a dream, stayed with me all day in 1995
My brother had confessed that he was gay
It took the heat off me for a while
He stood up with a sailor friend
Made it known upon my sisters wedding day

I got married in a rush to save a kid from being deported
Now shes in love
I was so touched, I was moved to kick the crutches
From my crippled friend
She was not impressed that I cured her on the sabbath
So I went to confess
When she saw the funny side, we introduced my child bride
To whisky and gin

The priest in the booth had a photographic memory
For all he had heard
He took all of my sins and he wrote a pocket novel called
The state I am in
So I gave myself to god
There was a pregnant pause before he said ok
Now I spend my day turning tables round in marks & spencers
They dont seem to mind

I gave myself to sin
I gave myself to providence
And Ive been there and back again
The state that I am in

Oh love of mine, would you condescend to help me
Cause Im stupid and blind
Desperation is the devils work, it is the folly of a boys empty mind
Now Im feeling dangerous, riding on city buses for a hobby is sad
Lead me to a living end
I promised that Id entertain my crippled friend
My crippled friend

why is it…

that the only dr i really really really really like is the one i am sorting messing up a project for? why is life like that? the people that i try try try to please are the ones that i end up screwing over? its true at work and at the coffeeshops probably and in relationships and in families…

friends.

pets,

ok. in other news, i have eaten way too many cookies today! dear place of employment, its a really nice gesture, but will you please stop buying desserts from new york city’s best bakeries? im going to be disfigured by time i get home for christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

alex (and readers) sorry for the short (& almost pointless!)

posts…

but here is another.

HOW IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS???????????????? i cant believe it.

fakefakefakefakefkaekfakfkekaekfkekakek

i feel like someone could say ‘just kidding, its january 21st!’ and i wouldnt blink an eye!

everyday transformation

sounds like a plan!

seeing me through another day. . . . . .

Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can’t remember who to send it to

I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again

Won’t you look down upon me, Jesus
You’ve got to help me make a stand
You’ve just got to see me through another day
My body’s aching and my time is at hand
And I won’t make it any other way

Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again

Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it’ll turn your head around
Well, there’s hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things
to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you, baby, one more time again, now

Thought I’d see you one more time again
There’s just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I’d see you, thought I’d see you fire and rain, now

TRANSFORMATION

every day, suzy, I wake up. and feel different.
because the air and water and world around me keep morphing and I keep absorbing the effects.

i feel, lately, like EVERYTHING is happening at once.. and really, just a few things are changing and happening. everything is mostly not doing anything. does that bring sense?

i pulled from my bag of runes stones after this recent awakening and change in my life and life that was with christopher. i pulled DEGAZ, the stone of transformation and it helped me instantly calm myself and look forward to fate, to whats to come even though it doesnt all “feel good”

and i’ve been plugging through, you’ve heard my messages and my sadness and happyness and very much confusion.

after another day- yesterday, after a full week of this “new situation” we had a day of funk. all day, sad/arguing/uncomforatable. via a fucking phone, of course.

and this morning i awoke and saw the runes book. i thought maybe i could pull a stone. and i did. DEGAZ, again. transformation.

Breakthrough, awakening, awareness. Daylight clarity as opposed to nighttime uncertainty. A time to plan or embark upon an enterprise. The power of change directed by your own will, transformation. Hope/happiness, the ideal. Security and certainty. Growth and release. Balance point, the place where opposites meet. Dagaz Merkstave

if you dont know more about runes, check them out on wikipedia.

so anyway, i am embracing and accepting as best i can. minute by minute, day by day.

i need to write a weekend update.

things were funny. and fun. (and nuts.)

will do, maybe tonight!

alex you shouldve..

..written that voicemail as a blog! but i know you know that.

i cant get into xmas when we are in a war. its true. for the holidays, people should refocus and try to put love into areas of the world and into issues that need it.

but no way . what would happen to macys and h&m and norstrums then? and the US GDP???

“war is over- if you want it”

Happy Xmas (War is Over)

John Lennon, Yoko Ono

(Happy Xmas Kyoko
Happy Xmas Julian)

So this is Xmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Xmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Xmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Xmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let’s stop all the fight

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Xmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Xmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear
War is over, if you want it
War is over now

Happy Xmas

ha thats the best post title ever

i totally agree it is a drug. but its sort of one that we can maintain the addiction and live with. like, some people get addicted to hating and some get addicted to being compassionate. some get addicted to paris hilton and all those crap-leberties and some get addicted to organic farming.

its a need, like most of the things in life that we do everyday or think about lots and lots, but its about becoming dependent on someone thats right for your habits and lifestyle! healthy love.  healthy grapes.

love IS fake grape

i’m not sure suzy, and again.. perhaps all of this is because you have the good, and i have the bad right now… althought my bad is more actually good, just hard. now. but honestly, even in the way you describe it… love is drugs. it is addiction. it is (not bad for us but) something that makes us not ourselves. high, if you will. right? why is the loss of love bring on the same immediate emotions as the time your heroin dealer doesn’t answer the phone.

eckard tolle in “the power of now” writes a whole chapter on love/relationships as addiction. its just tha this is a real accepted addictio in our culture.

but is it in control of out life, yes. perhaps we could walk around and ask people… “are you in love?” “are you drunk or high on something?” same thing. and you might not believe me now, cause you have it. when it goes away… read this again.

… in other news. things with my love are just as strange/good/bad/everything. not together, talking every day, in love- but knowingly sure that it is bad for us. where do we go from here… take it as it is. let it happen naturally… he says.

lastly, last night allison krumm had a birthday party at the short stop, an echo park bar in walking distance (rare in this town)… so i wondered over.. also called lauren cause i was sure she would come but that allison had no knowledge of her living here… so i got to have the silly moment of “i have something for you.. and its right behind me” pop out lauren! yeah fun.. so silly! though i spent most the night bitching and loving with lauren, who i love.

so i wonder if

So- this stems from everything we talked about in our phone convo alex- I was thinking that everything in one’s life, like besides the structure of who you are, what you believe, what you like, whether you like warm weather or the taste of fake grape, ok, besides all that type of ongoing stuff, I wonder if ‘HOW WE ARE DOING’ is all dependent on are we in love? Are we fighting, ongoingly, and not so much in love anymore? Are we completed by one other person that makes everything more beautiful?  

And in some ways, our jobs and our locations and our major external goings ons certainly affect us, but they can all be lessened if we are in love, you know? That dichotomy seemed especially apparent to me, unfortunately, bc you are going through difficult love time and I am finally going through good ones again. But I knew, while we were talking about the ins and outs of all this, relationships things, that I could easily be in your postion in a year (‘I think I’m purposely destructing this.’) and you could just as very logically be in my current position (“Everything is great and we see each other as much as possible, while still holding on to a semblance of our separate, independent lives.”)  

People might as well say, instead of ‘How are you?’ ‘What’s up?’ ‘What going on?’ just, to the point, ‘Are you in love today?’.  

I would love to write much longer and clearer about this but bosses over my shoulder and thigns like that!!!!!!!!!!!!! And piles of work to get through. And, I know, if I don’t post now in a partially what I want it to be way, that it will never get posted. So here you go!

suzy is reading!

suzy is reading and no one really calls me the right name at work, and she is so fine w that!

sometimes i like being really really sad. downright sad. mopey, miserable, give myself a day or however long to just get all into it and weep and moan and whatever is neccesary.

crying loudly in the shower. things like that. wearing a black hooded sweatshirt to the coffee shop, with the hood up all day.

tonight isnt a good night, but i will talk to you again soon.

ps- date is the 28th. email spoke to leah today

(I LOVE YOUn CANT WAIT TILL YOU ARE NEAR!)

is anyone out there reading me?

either way, YOU YOU YU are. suz, susan, suzanne, suzi. whatever THEY call you.

but thanks to you, i had a calm and happy evening. and wil continue to do so. here a comes a change!

how come when one is in love, it is convincingly like THE one. THE one and only time it will ever happen. which we all know not to be true.

my wonderful aunt said to me. if yuor sad, be sad. by accepting whatever emotion our mind is giving to us, we actually lessen it. fighting it then, increases it. why does that make so much sense.