and begin to start . . .

yeah! suzy, i have started this blog for us. i think my conversations with you are so highly significant, that maybe the world- or someone in it- will enjoy it, learn it, love it, design it, react it, teach it, have it, know it.

our situations are similar. but different. but the structure of life and living. feeling UNDERSTOOD by me suzy is a dream come true.

you know that feeling of falsehood? all day i wonder if i project the falsehood i feel inside. office politics, mundane conversations, novelty moments. inside my life is so much about me: relationship woes, should i get a cat? can i make yoga today?, i wish this guy in the office would stop talking about baseball. pause. phone rings. “production.” “yes, i can transfer you” “you know what rog, she’s stepped away from her desk can i take a message?” if i know/like the person i tell the truth: “you know what, she’s somewhere in the office and stuffing cake in her mouth”

oh and the CAKE. office cake. birthday cake, party cake, “julia won an emmy” cake. everyday another cake, some $100 cakes, the gucci of cake for the film industry folk, other high positioned folks prefer grocery store cake. $12.99 cake. yesterday i felt the clots of white sugar running through my blood. today i’m drinking lots of cranberry juice, for some reason i feel it will balance me. maybe i should just eat salt. or put salt on my cake?

ANYWAY. shit. so suzy, last night i sat a little drunk and stones on my back porch. i was ganna call you. why didn’t i? it would have been late there and i would have left a drunk message and that would have been so atypical. but my mind was racing…. about how much i loved you and felt i didn’t even have to talk to you, thats HOW MUCH i love you.. does that make sense? and so i thought i’d send you an email in the morning. BUT i was sober in the morning and the thoughts were gone. so, alas, the blog… suzy loves, i love. . . . AND WE LOVE.